While birth is fundamentally a normal experience in the lives of most women, for some the experience of becoming pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mother can bring up feelings of intense fear, inadequacy and panic. These feelings can be related to earlier experiences of childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault or woman abuse.

Women who have experienced past abuse often have ongoing physical, emotional and mental obstacles to overcome related to the abuse. Trauma from the abuse can manifest itself in a variety of complex thoughts and behaviours through the childbearing year, which may pose particular challenges for concerned family members, friends and primary caregivers. It can help to know that what may seem like "bizarre," childish or distrustful behaviours are often, in fact, coping mechanisms she has learned, that allow her to feel safer.

Sexually abused children learn coping strategies that give them ways to manage their feelings about loss of control, unpredictability, violation and betrayal. As adults, survivors still manifest the learned behaviours and attitudes that helped them survive as children:

• hyper vigilant
• controlling
• resistant / overly-compliant
• aggressive
• mistrustful of others

In the same way, a survivor of woman abuse or sexual assault may experience lingering effects of the trauma. Sometimes previously abused women experience flashbacks of the abuse brought on by triggers in their environment. She may be very afraid of the night or avoid certain places (hospitals, churches, public bathrooms). She may have post traumatic stress/spectrum disorder (PTSD), or exhibit other signs of the trauma she has experienced, such as the following:

• intrusive, recurrent and distressing recollections of the event(s), including sensations, images and perceptions
• self-destructive behaviors
• guilt, shame, self-blame
• hopelessness
• inability to trust others
• fixation on hurting the perpetrator
• loss of crucial belief systems, "there can't be a God"
• isolating oneself from others, feeling detached, estranged
• chronic pain
• panic

Working with a skilled counsellor can help minimize these impacts. Be there to listen and know where to refer her for professional support.

It is important for women to know that they are not alone, not to blame and there is help available.

Finding out a loved one was sexually abused can be very distressing for family and friends, but remember it took her a lot of courage to confide and trust in you, and how you respond to her disclosure may determine how emotionally "safe" she feels with you thereafter.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to say or how to respond in a caring and supportive manner. You might start by saying, "I am so sorry you experienced that... I don't know what to say except that I am here for you and can listen if you want to talk."

We recognize that it can be difficult to be the friend or partner of a survivor of sexual abuse, especially when she is experiencing trauma from the past triggered by events in the present, as can happen in pregnancy. It often takes extra understanding and patience to be mindful that her behaviour is not necessarily about you, but is a manifestation of the abuse she has survived.

As the survivor's friend, partner or relative, there are things you can do to help:

Believe her

This is the most important step you can take to assist a loved one who has survived abuse. It's important to resist any urge you might have to minimize the abuse or question the accuracy of her memory. Avoid statements such as, "Are you sure that is what happened, are you sure you are remembering correctly?" While it may be your initial impulse to doubt or deny that these events could have taken place, you should know that they are all too common and often go unreported because of fear on the part of the victim that they will not be believed. Having her experiences or memories challenged by you can make your loved one feel all the more ashamed, confused and angry.

Listen without trying to influence her

It is natural to feel very angry and judgemental towards the abuser of your loved one once you hear of the abuse — or towards those around her who "should have" protected her from the abuse but didn't. It's important to remember, however, that your loved one may still have conflicting feelings towards that(those) person(s) (i.e. there may still be love along with the anger and hurt — for instance, if the person was a close relative) and you need to respect the complexity of the dynamics and her right to make up her own mind about how she feels and what she wants to do. She may wish to maintain a relationship with the perpetrator or she may be unsure about whether or not she wants the relationship to continue. She may also choose to have no relationship with the abuser and/or any person(s) she felt was(were) complacent about the abuse. Either way, don't try to influence her, just be there to support her in finding what feels right to HER.

Listen without judgement

As you listen to your loved one's description of what happened, you may possibly find yourself feeling judgemental or angry towards HER. You may, for instance, find yourself thinking that she could have chosen a different way of responding to the abuse, that she could have avoided the abusive situation in the first place, or that what she is describing is not as bad as she is making it out to be. If so, remind yourself that there are many factors that contribute to how each of us feels and acts in response to any given situation, and we all do the best we can with whatever skills and resources we have at the time. To truly put yourself in someone else's place, you have to imagine not only being in the same circumstances, but also having the same set of physical, mental and psychological advantages and challenges as the other person had at the time. If this reminder does not help you to refrain from feeling judgemental about your loved one or the situation in which the abuse took place, please make an effort not to show your judgement to her, but to suspend it while you listen as supportively as you can. She will not feel able to turn to you for help if what you offer is judgement rather than support.

If you find yourself unable to remain supportive or you find it too difficult to listen to the details of the abuse, we recommend that you seek out counselling so that you can find a balance between being a trusted source of support and taking care of your own well-being.

Offer information and support, but don't try to take control or tell her what she should do

Your loved one needs you to support her own decisions about how to best deal with her feelings resulting from abuse. You can offer information about resources and professional support, e.g. refer her to the Women Survivors' section of this website, but don't try to tell her what she should do to start healing. You can encourage and support her efforts to seek out counselling or support groups, but don't insist on it — how far along you want her to be in her healing process, may be further ahead in the process than she is realistically able to be. Be aware that control issues have been part of the dynamic of her abuse and what she needs now is to feel in control of her life. The abuse was not within her control, but how she chooses to heal from the abuse should be.

Your loved one may also need you to support her plans to deal (or not) with the abuser(s). Whether or not she will press charges, for instance, or confront her abuser, or break ties with that(those) person(s), needs to be her own decision. She may not even know yet who her abuser(s) was(were) or when the abuse took place. For many survivors of abuse, the memories surface in pieces, like a puzzle, and she may not have a complete, comprehensive recall of the abuse. Pressuring her for details or decisions may push her away.You can let her know, instead, that while she may not remember all that happened to her, you do believe her and are there to support her in her process of uncovering the suppressed past and deciding what to do.

Be an ally in her healing process

You can be a trusted ally to your loved one. This means perhaps being there for her when she needs to talk, vent her anger, frustration and sadness, or go over the story of her abuse. It can require extra patience to listen to her repeat her abuse story but this is often part of the process for many survivors as they attempt to integrate and understand their experiences.

Being a friend she can trust, also means respecting her changing needs in terms of balancing closeness and separateness. Sometimes she may need or want comfort or company, while at other times she may need you to give her space and respect her privacy. If you're not sure how to read her signals or she doesn't know how to ask for what she needs, you may need to ask her what she would prefer.

Take care of yourself

It can be very traumatizing to listen to a disclosure of the abuse of a loved one and you may find yourself feeling outrage, fury and sadness. If the abuser is someone with whom you also have a relationship, there are likely going to be a whole host of separate feelings that you, too, will face, like the potential loss of that relationship or wanting to seek "vengence" for the harm they have caused. If you yourself are also a survivor of abuse, your partner's or loved one's disclosure may also be triggering your own trauma. It is very important that you, too, become connected to services such as counselling or support groups to best take care of yourself.

The most important way you can support your loved one is to believe her, support her in a way that is free from judgment, and get your own support when caring for her starts to impact on you.

Allies In Healing — When The Person You Love Was Sexually Abused As a Child. Davis, Laura. HarperPerennial. 1991.

When Your Partner Has Been Sexually Abused,
pamphlet, National Clearinghouse on Family Violence

Perinatal Project - Mental Health Advocacy for Mothers
An invaluable resource site for women, families and professionals looking for information related to supporting and understanding women's mental health during the reproductive years
www.perinatalproject.com

For Family & Friends of: Survivors of Past Abuse - Women in Abusive Relationships