Information for friends and family of a pregnant woman in an abusive relationship.
"In every case that was examined, family members, friends, neighbours,
and/or professionals had some knowledge of the escalating circumstances
between the perpetrators and victims. Some did not recognize the warning
signs, nor did they act upon them... It is important to understand that
domestic violence occurs along a continuum. This continuum includes minor
and isolated incidents, progressing to an overall pattern of behaviour
over time within the relationship."
The Centre
for Research on Violence Against Women and Children
Pregnancy and postpartum are particularly high risk times for abused women,
with the birth of a baby bringing new challenges beyond those she had previously
faced (extreme fatigue, pain related to birth). It can be difficult for
family and friends to remain supportive in these situations but be aware
that isolation is a major contributing factor to why women are unable to
leave and abusers often use this (along with threats, physical harm etc...)
as a tactic to maintain power and control in the relationship.
In pregnancy, woman abuse tactics may include, but are not limited to the
following:
- Limiting partner's access to prenatal care
- Increase in physical assaults aimed at abdominal area
- Derogatory/insulting comments directed at the woman's changing body
- Restricting her choice of caregiver
- Preventing partner from obtaining information related to pregnancy
and birth or forcing her to consent to tests against her will
- Threatening to leave her if she does/doesn't terminate pregnancy
The 1993 Violence Against Women survey (12, 000 women) found that 21%
of the women who had been abused by their partners had been assaulted during
pregnancy, approximately 560,000 Canadian women. Of these women, 40% stated
that the abuse began when they became pregnant. Why?
- he may not want the pregnancy
- the abuse may be an attempt(s) to cause a miscarriage
- he may feel that he will lose the "spotlight" to the new baby
- he may be uncomfortable with the woman's changing body and resent her
for it
- he may want to ensure that he will maintain control over her when more
people are likely to be involved with their lives
- he may resent the increase in responsibilities that a new baby will
bring
However, the strongest predictor that a woman will be abused during her
pregnancy is prior abuse.
A Handbook for Health and Social Service Professionals
Responding the Abuse During Pregnancy, NCFV, ISBN: 0-660-27295-1
If a friend or family member tells you that she is being abused, there
are certain things you should NEVER do:
Never insist that the woman leave her abusive partner
Understandably, it is very difficult not to insist that a loved one leave
her abusive partner. Remember, a woman who is experiencing abuse often is
very fearful of what will happen to her if she tries to leave an abusive
partner. This may be because of threats the partner may have made to harm
her, her family and/or her property should she try to leave. The sad reality
is that many women are harmed by their estranged partners once they leave
an abusive relationship and harassment can be on-going. However, if you
can remain open to supporting her and respecting without judgment her decision
to stay, you will establish yourself as a caring and sensitive ally that
she can turn to if and when she is able to leave her abusive partner. Women
must be ready to leave on their own terms — coercion and ultimatums
by family, friends or outside agencies attempting to force them to leave,
often cause women to become more isolated and disconnected from potential
supports.
Never make comments that suggest she is responsible
for the abuse
Women in abusive relationships are often told by their abusive partners
that they are to blame for the abuse they experience. Comments like "you
pushed my buttons", "if only you hadn't...", "I wouldn't
have had to do that if you would have just...", "You are making
such a big deal out of this", "I only...", "It wasn't
as bad as you are making it out to be", "you exaggerate",
"you're crazy/stupid", said repeatedly to a woman, cause her to
start believing them. Women internalize these messages and start to hold
themselves responsible when in fact the abusive partner needs to be held
solely accountable for his choices, including the choice to engage in hurtful
and damaging expressions of anger, fear, sadness or frustration. Blaming
a woman who has been abused further erodes her self-esteem, making it that
much more difficult for her to seek support to leave the abusive partner.
She will likely not turn to you for comfort, reassurance or assistance in
the future if you display an attitude of judgement against her.
Never judge her reasons for remaining in the
relationship
Maintaining a clear focus on who is responsible for the abuse helps us
to assist the woman from a caring and understanding space. It is important
to recognize the complex dynamics of abuse and how they work to skew a woman's
sense of reality of her self, her relationship and her partner. As we mentioned
above, there are ongoing risks for woman and children when they attempt
to leave an abusive relationship. Her reasons for staying may include an
awareness of how real those risks are, especially if she has attempted to
leave an abusive relationship in the past.
There is also a lack of affordable housing options, inadequate protection
from the estranged partner from law enforcement, limited daycare spots and
wait-lists for counselling and shelters. We need to look at how many barriers
a woman can face attempting to leave an abusive relationship and how immensely
difficult to overcome they can appear to be for a woman in the childbearing
year.
Never endanger her by providing information in
an unsafe way (e.g. mailing it to her)
Abusive partners may take mail, search purses or erase email/phone messages.
It is advisable to ask her in private what would be the best way for her
to receive information. Sometimes pamphlets and important phone numbers
can be kept at a workplace or friend's house. For some women they may need
to memorize the number to a local shelter or be advised to call 911 in the
case of an emergency.
Never force her to do what anyone else thinks is
best for her or her unborn baby
Well-meaning friends, family and healthcare-providers often give abused
women advice on what they should or shouldn't be doing to care for themselves.
It can be difficult to understand that sometimes the best thing that you
can do is just be there. It sounds so simple, but women who are abused have
often lost many friends or have never felt comfortable enough to tell others
about their abuse. If she has shared her story with you, reward her courage
and ask her how she would like you to help... if at all.
Just as pregnancy is a risk for abused women, it is, for some, a time
when they are finally able to reach out for help for the safety of themselves
and their child(ren) to be. Be there to listen, care and refer (e.g. to
the section of this website that is For Abused
Women). For more detailed suggestions on how you can help, consult the
resources below, especially What
Can I Do To Help A Woman Who Is Being Abused?.
Online resources
Neighbours,
Friends and Families has answers to the following questions:
NCFV publications and videos
The National Clearinghouse on Family Violence (NCFV) is Canada's resource
centre for information on violence within relationships of kinship, intimacy,
dependency or trust. Manuals provided free of charge in both English and
French. NCFV publications and videos are available to borrow through interlibrary
loan through your local library.
www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence
Perinatal Project - Mental Health Advocacy
for Mothers
An invaluable resource site for women, families and professionals looking
for information related to supporting and understanding women's mental health
during the reproductive years
www.perinatalproject.com
Books
Helping her get free: a guide for Families
and Friends of Abused Women. Brewster, Susan. Seal Press. 2006. ISBN-10:
1580051677
