When you are in an abusive relationship, it can be very difficult to get the support you need from your partner to make your birth experience a positive one. Your partner may not respect or allow you your choice of caregiver (doctor or midwife), your choice of support people or your choice of the environment in which you would like to give birth (home vs. hospital). An abusive partner may have undermined your choices around pain management by either forbidding it or telling you you are "weak" for getting it. Your partner may behave in ways that are demeaning towards you, embarrassing you in front of others.

On the other hand, it can also be frustrating if your partner tends to be someone who puts on the "charm" for outsiders. For instance, if during labour your partner chooses to present as totally attentive to your every need (to woo staff over), you may start to feel invisible and even more certain that no one would believe that this "wonderful person" could be abusive. Women have shared how painful it has been when comments have been made such as, "you are so lucky to have such an involved husband" or "he is going to make such a wonderful dad!" Meanwhile, you can begin to doubt your own truth... maybe I am blowing things out of proportion, maybe I am too dramatic? How can all these people be wrong? It is about me...

It is important to know that it is not about you. Part of the "crazy-making" of being in an abusive relationship is witnessing how your partner's behaviour can "switch" from being calm and collected in public, to abusive and controlling in private. If you have disclosed your history of abuse prior to labour, your care providers will see through your partner's behaviour.

If you have not yet disclosed to them, it is not too late to do so, so that you can get the support you need. There may be a time during the birthing process when you feel able to tell your nurse, midwife or doula that you are being abused, such as when your partner takes a coffee break. With this knowledge, she can support you in a more specialized and sensitive way. She can also assist you in attaining referrals or resources that may benefit you and your baby after the birth.

It is important for you to know that while pregnancy can be a high risk time for women being abused, postpartum can be a particularly dangerous time when the dynamics of the abuse change and the situation often worsens:

• Because of the physical aspects of recovering from giving birth you might not be physically in a position to defend yourself against your partner's abuse.
• You are likely sleep deprived and as a result may not be able to mentally or physically endure the abuse in the ways you did before you became a new mom.
• The changing levels of hormones in your body the first few days, weeks and even months after the birth of your baby may make it difficult for you to take care of yourself and your baby while also dealing with abuse.
• You may be physically, emotionally and financially more dependent on your partner now that you share a child.

Some ways in which your partner may be abusive to you in postpartum:

• Denying you access to your baby, i.e. physically blocking you from your baby or kidnapping
• Not supporting you or helping you take care of your baby
• Demanding sex from you too soon after the birth
• Making negative comments about your body
• Blaming you because the sex of the baby is "wrong"
• Feeling jealous of the attention you are giving your baby
• Refusing to allow you to comfort or hold your baby
• Threatening to report you to the local Children Aid's Society / Child Protection Agency should you want to end the relationship
• Threatening to take your child away if you try to leave
• Not allowing you to breastfeed or forcing you to breastfeed
• Telling you you are a bad or incompetent mother
• Withholding money for baby supplies
• Threatening to harm your baby
• Being directly abusive to your baby, i.e. shaking, yelling, hitting, neglecting
• Denying child support if you separate
• Denying paternity

On the other hand, it may be a time of great joy in your life, a time when the abuse has temporarily stopped and you feel positive about this new phase in your relationship. This break from the abuse is often short lived. As time passes your partner will more than likely begin abusing you again. Without his own counselling it is truly unlikely that the birth of his child alone will challenge him enough to end his abusive behaviour. In fact, once the abuse resumes, it generally will worsen as there is now a child involved in the tactics that he can use against you. There is also a good chance that he will be directly abusive to your child.

What if I am being abused and a careprovider and/or social service worker asks me whether or not I have experienced abuse?

Whether or not you choose to tell a professional about the abuse is your choice, however they are asking because they care about the health and well-being of you and your baby. If you do choose to disclose, you should know that they have an obligation to follow up; for instance, if the abuse is causing harm or has the potential to cause harm to your baby. There are guidelines around having to report suspected cases of child abuse or neglect that professionals are obligated to follow, and they vary from province to province and state to state. But remember, while woman abuse is a crime there is NO obligation for your careprovider to report this to the police or child protection unless there is a risk to your child from being exposed to your abuse or the child is a direct target of your partner's abuse. Recognize that many women feel relieved once they have told someone about the abuse... they have felt they are not quite so alone and they are able to get information for both themselves and their children about services that can assist whether they decide to stay or leave.

On the next page, we look at the impact of woman abuse on the foetus and the impact of woman abuse on children exposed to the abuse.

Woman abuse in the childbearing year: page 1 - (you are on page 2) - page 3 - page 4