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Your partner's ability to maintain power and control over you in your relationship depends largely on him being able to isolate, shame and intimidate you to keep you from telling others. It may seem impossible to share with friends and/or family members about the abuse you are experiencing. You may be afraid of how they will react and whether or not they will believe you.
Sometimes abusive partners are very careful about how they treat their partners in front of others... creating a situation in which when women tell, they are met with statements such as "It couldn't be true... .he is such a great guy/dad/colleague. You are about to have his baby. Maybe he's just stressed out. Are you sure it wasn't just a misunderstanding?" You may have had a similar experience if you have told someone before about the abuse. You may be hesitant to tell someone again in case you get the same minimizing response. However, for your own safety we encourage you to continue to seek out people who do understand and will listen. If you do not have a friend or family member whom you trust, then seek out a care provider or counselor who can provide you with the type of concern you deserve. You can find one through your local woman's shelter.
Sometimes you may feel like you just need someone to talk to and don't know where to turn. It may be in the middle of the night after an abusive episode and you are feeling afraid and alone. There are woman abuse crisis lines that you can call when you need a professionally trained counselor, someone to just listen and provide you with some ideas about safety, self-care and referrals if appropriate. These crisis lines are anonymous and confidential and are a great resource for finding out about all sorts of services in your community that you may not be aware of, that can be of assistance to you and your family.
Whether you are planning on leaving or staying in an abusive relationship, connecting with a woman abuse counselling centre is recommended. Wait lists for counseling can be long but getting advice, support and understanding from a counselor specifically trained in woman abuse issues is very important. Not all counselors, social workers or therapists are trained to work with women who have been or who are at risk of being abused.
Some women also wonder about attending couple counseling with their partner. We advise against this until your partner takes responsibility for his abusive behavior, has attended counseling for abusive partners and is no longer physically and/or sexually abusing you. If you do not feel safe, you are likely only going to feel more unsafe sharing your feelings with a counselor and then leaving the counseling session with your abusive partner.
There may be times when you need to use the services of a woman's shelter. It can be very daunting to go into a woman's shelter when you are in crisis, however you can work with this concern by speaking with a shelter worker before going into shelter to find out what services or supports are available both on-site and in the community. Some shelters offer transitional outreach services that will work with women who are NOT living in their shelter but need the assistance of a counselor to leave an abusive relationship. Transitional outreach workers can assist with a variety of issues that arise when leaving, such as safety planning, housing applications and needs involving children.
When safety planning think in terms of what is practical and portable.
While you are not responsible for the abusive behaviour of your partner, there may be things you can do to help keep yourself safe while in the relationship, when leaving the relationship and if/when you are out of the relationship. Developing a safety plan is like making a fire-escape plan... we hope that you will not need your safety plan, but it's helpful to think ahead of time about practical steps you can take to get out if you need to. Safety planning will also help you gain a sense of control over your situation.
Spend some time thinking about the following:
Pack a bag with essential items that you and your children could not live without for 24-48 hours should you need to leave in a hurry. Keep this bag in a safe place that you could easily get to (workplace, friends, locker at your gym) and ensure you have copies of health cards, medicine you are taking and a comfort object for each child.
Remember that abuse can escalate if you strike back at your partner and he could potentially use this against you in a court of law. You have the right to protect yourself against abuse but be aware that there has been an increase in dual charges, with women who are being abused being charged by police as well as their partners. This information should NOT deter you from calling 911 when you need emergency police assistance.
Please visit www.shelternet.ca for a printable, detailed safety plan
It's important for you to know your legal rights and options. Ask your local Women's Shelter for the names of lawyers who specialize in issues related to woman abuse. If the whole process of seeking legal counsel seems a bit intimidating to you, ask for assistance at the shelter and someone there, or someone they can refer you to, can help you take the necessary steps to find legal advice and/or representation. If you can't afford a lawyer, you may wish to call your local Legal Aid office. Sometimes vouchers are available for a free consultation with a lawyer through a shelter, and there are sometimes programs that provide support people to attend court with you.
Please contact the Ontario Women's Justice Network (www.owjn.org) for information and referrals related to woman abuse and the law.
Many times women are kept in an abusive relationship because they are not aware of what their available options are related to issues such as sponsorship/immigration, separation, property division, child custody, etc. By connecting with supports, such as lawyers and women's advocates, you can find out the answers to your questions and base your decisions on facts rather than fear.